1. A good Democrat is a wiretapped Democrat.

2. Woodward & Bernstein is not a law firm.

3. If you fill a leak with money, more leaks will appear.

4. Keep your friends close and your enemies on an FBI watch list.

5. Never hire a plumber to do a burglar's job.

6. [Redacted]


Dan Moreau's work appears or is forthcoming in Redivider, Descant, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He blogs at dlmoreau.wordpress.com.